Three years ago today, The Guardian posted an article entitled “Top Five Regrets of the Dying,” highlighting some sobering epiphanies as experienced by an Australian nurse caring for patients during their final twelve weeks of life.
Regret Number One? “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
Just sit with that for a moment.
The author expounds further on the sentiment by relating it to their fulfilment of dreams: “Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.”
I am utterly chilled by the truth of this expression, but I can also feel it set me on fire. I don’t want to live (or die) like that, and I’ve tried to live my life in the best way so as not to, but it’s not easy.
We often hear the adage “When one door closes, another one opens,” but what about the door we leave behind when we step through that doorway? Whenever a choice is made in favour of one path, that motion exists simultaneously as a choice against another path. And sometimes both doors seem right, and we don’t know where to go.
So how can we know how to make the best choices, how to make sure we’re following our own path rather than one dictated to us? Here are a few lessons I’ve learned:
Make a List (or a few!)
- Make a Bucket List of the things you’d love to do before you can’t anymore. You can peruse tons of lists online, but be sure to be clear about why it’s important to you before adding it to your list. (Do you want to visit The Eiffel Tower just because everyone else has or because it’s an iconic symbol of human ingenuity and architectural accomplishment?) If you’re better with tech than a pen & paper, there are apps for that!
- Make a Nectar List of the things you’ve already accomplished that you’re proud of or have made you the incredible person you are today. You can arrange it in time periods or just in “as you think of them” order. Be thankful and recognise that life’s golden moments aren’t always momentous occasions! (A few of mine: I had 5 wisdom teeth extracted, I bought a Burberry coat for $3 at a thrift store, I’ve built a Rube Goldberg machine, and I can pick up peanuts with chopsticks.)
- Make a list of goals in three tiers: short term, long term, and “end goals.” These should be definite and attainable aims in various aspects of life: volunteer work, religious, career, hobbies, family, financial, home, health or education. In the “end goal” category, think about the woman or man you want to be and what is essential to getting you there. (The word “essential” is key here: you don’t need to be rich to have a happy family, but being debt-free is a noble goal for anyone.)
- Make a list of your most personal fears. Our fears are sometimes the keys to seeing what we desire most. (For example: it wasn’t until I realised that I was afraid of not being good enough that it became clear how much I wanted to go to art school and succeed.)
- Make a Reading List. I’m working on a list of 100 right now, and I’ve got 40 completed – it feels good! (Check out a few example lists here or make your own: BBC’s Best-Loved Novel, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and the one circulated on Facebook a while ago falsely attributed to BBC)
Take some uninterrupted time to really reflect on what you want most out of your life, and then…
Choose at least one thing to tackle this week, even if it’s just starting to plan
Make your dreams a priority, however big or small they might be. If it seems impossible to complete a certain goal right now, make a plan for how you can achieve it in time with specific steps – How much money do you need to save each month to be able to go to Hawaii on that vacation? If it’s not possible this year, can it happen next year? If so, be diligent, and you’ll get the reward you’re after! One of my favourite quotes for making choices is this one by Gordon B. Hinckley:
Surround yourself with people you love and respect
You don’t have to do this alone, and you really shouldn’t try. Being brave enough to pursue your own path is a challenge, but having wonderful, supportive people around to help you stay true to yourself will make it easier. They can remind you of your goals when something’s fallen by the wayside, be partners in crime in that new class you’ve been dying to take, celebrate your successes with a glass of wine, or give you sage advice after a heartbreaking failure. Enjoying the relationships you’ve built and nourished doesn’t make you subservient to them; you can appreciate a friend’s congratulations on a promotion without needing it for validation of a job well-done, and you can follow your mother’s advice without living your life to her expectations rather than your own.
Additionally, an Australian study seems to suggest that having strong friendships will actually give you more time to work on those beloved dreams – check our the NYTimes article here. So write those emails, send those holiday cards, and make time for coffee and lunch dates!
But remember: it’s your life, and you have to live it.
There are going to be times when your own confidence is going to have to be enough – when a private chant of “I Can Go the Distance” is going to have to make do. Just like Hercules, the naysayers will come, and they will come in force to try to tear down your dreams – many times just because they’re scared. It’s not wrong to ignore the advice or desires of others, even of those you love, because you know where you belong. It doesn’t mean you’re selfish or stupid; it means you’re dedicated and strong. Your unique path in life is precious and has a right to be defended, and you’re just the hero for the job. You may have times when all you want is to have someone on your side, cheering you on Grecian Urn-style, and you’ll need to content yourself with your own conviction (and maybe a nice massage). Remind yourself of the goal at the end and your reasons for wanting to be there, and dig your heels in for a fight if need be.
…because when the time comes, it’s going to be you on that hospital bed with 12 weeks left, and someone’s going to ask you if you have any regrets.
A Happy Working Song 